A Merry Coviddy Thanksgiving And Christmas
An update on the Government’s rules regarding how to handle celebrations this year.
Turkey, being a Muslim bird, must be treated with appropriate caution and love, and a cooking distance of three metres between you and the bird must be maintained at all times. You never know. If you insist on putting up a tree, you must ensure that it comes with a Covid-free certification, on a form which can be obtained from any government office at a cost of £200. This, of course, Mr Rich Sunak will reimburse from the bag of brand new folding notes he has ordered from Santa, and which will, in due course (probably in 2024) be delivered by certified Covid-free reindeer. However, Rudolph is suspect because his red nose clearly indicates a temperature, and he will have been told to isolate in Lappland.
Nativity plays will be performed by schools as usual, but only virtually and all at the same time everywhere — and in the interests of something or other, will be centrally controlled and conducted by the Prime Minister. He will make this announcement as follows, next week:
“I, I, I, phwaaar, y’know … ah, ah, ah, I, I, I er, er, yah, phwaar, y’know” … etc, etc.
The all-new anti-Covid fire-break, no, circuit-break, no, coffee-break, no, braking system, designed by Aloysius Splunge (12) of 24 Railway Cuttings, Bluncaster, will be known as Testy and Tracy. It will be handled by a rejuvenated Royal Mail, whereby everyone will receive a testing kit, for checking everything from neck-ache to haemorrhoids and whether it is used or not, they must post themselves to Reading which will be readied and ready.
All families which have been and bought pressies for everyone, will receive full compensation from the Holiday Benefits Fund, provided that, er, whatever, before Easter. Or possibly not. All members of the Conservative and Labour Parties will receive festive badges, personally signed by Boris Johnson which proclaim “I got done by Brexit”.
Americans will give thanks for having followed the American dream whereby anyone can be elected president, and elected an anyone. Again. Or possibly, having elected a someone who got points for trying, several times, on the basis of what the hell, give him a turn. Except that they, the American people, voted like mad, but did not directly elect anyone, having left that to something called the Electoral College, where politicians are awarded a C-minus and must report to the Principal, and explain their absence of principles.
American turkeys are required to renounce Islam. They protest that they never were, and nor did they, as the Turkey Party, vote for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. They were told to get stuffed. The outgoing president, or possibly the incoming same had played Hunt The Biden, but lost when it was discovered that he had had erm, relations with p*** stars from Ukraine, Belorus, Serbia, Bosnia, Czechia, Chechnya, Slovenia and possibly Russia, where he had wet the bed. The Russian president said that he could not be Putin up with that, but cast his vote somewhere in New York, in person. Meanwhile, the US Supreme Court has been asked to decide whether the aforementioned anyone was actually eligible to stand for the presidency. The argument states that no-one that colour and with that hair could possibly have been born in the USA.
Back in London, 10,000 people in Hyde Park, naked except for masks, for some reason, but full of Good Cheer Cider and verry merry, were arrested and fined £10. Or possibly 10 people were fined £10,000. The police are investigating their selfies and everyone else’s. The Government has decreed that no-one will be permitted to die between now and January 31st, in order to achieve a target which has been calculated by dividing the number of left-handed Covid positives by the square root of the budget. A protest slow-march has been called by undertakers, gravediggers and crematorium operatives.
The world, astonished at what it appears to have spawned, keeps on turning. The United Nations says that this must be investigated.
