British Covid19 Rules and Regulations Explained For The World To Follow.

Britain is determined to beat the virus with clear, sensible rules. Study them here.

Because Covid is a pandemic, affecting all of us, including readers in other countries, I thought it might be instructive if I were to explain exactly what the British Government-imposed rules and guidelines are with regard to who can and can’t do what, what we should do, should not do, with whom, when, for how long, how often, where and why.

Six people can meet, or possibly four, or maybe eight, but only in an open space with the wind from the North-west, provided it is also raining, but not snowing, further provided that all parties involved must be standing, not sitting, twenty yards apart and must not be facing one another, and that everyone is wearing a white mask (no other colours are permitted) a plastic head-shield and must spray one another every thirty seconds with pure alcohol. Those discovered to be inhaling with what are considered unreasonable frequency are to be carted away as quickly as possible. However, anti-social gatherings of as many people as wish to gather are permitted provided that those present are no less than two miles apart, and facing outwards.

That’s in England. In Scotland, the wearing of kilts (no underwear) is compulsory in such gatherings, by all sexes, but sex is absolutely not allowed even with all manner of protection, and sprays must be with pure single malt whisky. In Wales, who the hell knows except that if you are in England and you decide to go to Wales, the moment you cross the border you will be thrown into an Eisteddfod and made to sing Karaoke in Welsh. In Northern Ireland, if you are protestant you will be forced to convert to Catholicism, and vice versa, because Covid will then not know who the hell to infect and that will sort things out.

Back in England, you may drink in pubs until 10.00 p.m., but only if you can prove that you are totally drunk by then, and that you have eaten three pounds of chips, meaning fries, while outside and only outside. And sitting down. Not necessarily outside the pub, but anywhere and this is only valid if there is an R in the month and it is a leap-year. Further, you must be able to produce, to anyone and everyone, a certificate to prove that you are (a) Covid negative (b) Covid positive but absolutely stuffed with antibodies provided it can be proved that your bodies are not anti-bodies © a supporter of Donald Trump or Boris Johnson, have the same degree of viral infection, and that if you are Covid positive, you could not give a damn.

Shops may remain open except when they are closed, but may reopen from midnight to 3.00a.m., provided that they are not within thirty miles of a public house, restaurant or cafe. Or another one of the abovementioned.

If you are driving, except to someone else’s house, to a pub, shop, church, school, gym, or university then you were not allowed to drive at all, especially not in a car, a motor bike or in a cart unless the horse has been tested and is equus-negative, and you must wear a diving helmet and a onesie, and you are not allowed to overtake, undertake or take umb-rage or road-rage. Undertakers are exempt, except when they are carrying live passengers, which must then, on pain of a fine, play dead.

Airports, carports, portholes and all other forms of port are closed to all traffic, and people entering the UK from any gazetted places are to be placed for several months in Camp Coronatine on the Island of Rockall, where there is fockall, unless they are coming from permitted points of departure which are published every ten minutes by the Department of Prisons and subject to change ten minutes after that.

The economy is to be closed. The Chancellor of the Money Trees, Mr Sunak, who is, of course, Rich, will stand on the corner of all main roads, at the same time, and throw large bundles of cash in all directions. He will not be required to explain where this cash comes from.

And so on. Is that all clear now? Good. Excellent. If your family name starts with a C and ends with an S as in Cummings for example, or starts with John and ends with son, you are excused all regulations and can do what you damned well like. All of these regulations will be promulgated under decree dealing with lockdown, lockup, semi-lockdown, almost lockdown, partial lockdown, neo-lockdown, quasi-lockdown, or unlockdown as circumstances dictate, or are dictated by the Minister of Symptoms.

But please note that all abovementioned regulations are subject to amendment, revision, deletion or reinterpretation at all times. E and OE.