Conversations With Boris Trump a.k.a. Donald Johnson

A mythical interview with a mythical but all too real two-headed political monster.

Thank you for agreeing to talk to me — I know how busy you must be with all that demolition work to do. It must be hard work, having to destroy democracy.

(Mid-Atlantic accent) Yes, it certainly is. We have tried everything so far. Thousands of lies, fake news, lawsuits, firing people who just don’t get it, keeping hold of people who, everyone said, should be fired — you name it.

They don’t get … what?

The fact that if democracy is not working for us, then it’s not working. They don’t seem to know that government is supposed to be for our people, of our people, by our people. Biden is not our people. Biden’s people are not our people. Starmer’s people are not our people either. Where do these lefties find such losers? Here we are, trying everything to keep the world safe from Socialism, and what are they doing? Trying to sabotage our efforts by persuading good decent conservative folk to vote against us and our beautiful plans.

What exactly do you understand by … conservative?

That’s easy. In Americobritain, conservatives like us want to be sure that no-one is allowed to throw out the tried and scientifically tested bathwater and leave the baby high and dry. We need to be sure that the things we all loved about spanking that baby, hitting people who were stupid enough to be born the wrong colour, about sticking it to uppity nations and so forth, are not lost. We did not fight the good fight, together, against those Krauts and Japs, and then the Sovs through good old Reaganism, show those Commies where to get off, just to hand things over to a load of wimps and losers.

But surely the whole point of democracy is that things can change when they need to change?

If you stop calling us Shirley, we’ll tell you.

OK, OK, so tell …

What’s the point of changing things just for the sake of changing things? If it ain’t broke, don’t fuck about with it, we say. There was nothing wrong with Nixon and, er, the other guys and it all went wrong when Lewinsky got her chops going with what’s his name again, oh, yeah, Bonk ’em Bill. And on the British side of the Special Relationship pond, that ass-kissing mouthful of teeth, Blair, got busy with Bush who should have known better.

But George W Bush was a Republican conservative, wasn’t he? For two terms as President?

Our point exactly. If people elect proper conservatives, who can then fall in with our ambitions, then that’s all good.

But Tony Blair was the leader of the Labour Party and a Labour Party Prime Minister.

Oh, come on — Blair was a full-on conservative just using the Labour Party as a handy way to get into Downing Street. Have you checked out the man since he stopped being Prime Minister? He is right up there with the FatCats, making lotsa money. He used the Labour Party same as we have used the Republican Party and the Conservative Party to get to the top. Do you think we really give a damn about policies or the fate of the great unwashed? Don’t make us laugh.

But doesn’t that make a mockery of the democratic process? You could only have become leaders by using the machinery of democracy, not so?

There you go being stupid again. We know that we had to do that, but now we need to make damned sure that no-one else can do it again. You think we are interested in four-year terms or five-year terms? You think we have any interest in going through all that, ass- we mean, baby-kissing and shaking clammy hands again? OK, in the USA we misjudged things a bit and allowed Joe Biden to steal the presidential election but that gives us four years to get things together and really do it to democracy so that there will be elections again in 2024, but this time we’ll have made damned sure that all the votes are properly counted.

Properly? But in what way were the votes this year not counted properly?

Because they were all clearly cast for me, me, the Donald, but crooked officials in the pay of socialists managed to put them into the wrong counting machines. That ain’t gonna happen again. Too right — and we’ll also make sure here in the UK that by 2024 there will be no more British Parliament to mess things up.

You’re going to do away with Parliament?

Well, no, not exactly. We’ll just make sure that we get an Act passed which makes me PM for as long as I like. For life, why not? Anything that weasel Putin can do, we can do better. Can’t take the chance in Britain that a wet rag like Starmer somehow manages to steal votes. Don’t tell anyone, but the main reason for the Conservatives winning that big election majority in 2019 was the fact that the Labour Party was being led by that communist idiot Corbyn who made everyone almost shit themselves. Next time, with Corbyn out to grass, maybe we won’t have the same kind of easy opposition, so we will be sure to make sure of things.

So, if I have it right, you are going to do your best to destroy the very thing that brought to you power in 2016 and 2019?

Of course we are!

Thank you both. We’ll leave you to get on with your important work.