The Hairdo, The Weird-Do!

Something else the world will not miss when Trumpty leaves the White House.

I recently offered a paean of praise to the gods for delivering all of us, soon, from the awfulness of Humpty Trumpty — those weird gestures, the orangeness, the sitting-strutting and standing-still-swaggering, that mouth, the fat body and general dyspepsia when the camera catches him but is not focused on him.

BUT I FORGOT THE HAIR! How could I? Part of the problem was that I could not decide what it is. Does it have a life of its own? Is it a wig? If so, what incredible glue sticks it down? Is there a form of scaffolding screwed into his head, with the hair (I think it is hair) arranged, weaved, perhaps, around it, through it, on it? There is plenty of room in that empty head for a few bolts. If it has to be removed at night, just where would it live? A specially designed cage? And what actual colour is it? If it is alive, and just spends the day on top of the Humpty head, possibly for warmth, does it have a little bowl of water and some chewy-chunks stuck down in there somewhere?

And … horror of horrors … what would Trumpty look like, bald? So far, having scoured the internet, I can find no pictures which indicate baldness, but if he is not bald, or not even partly bald, why does he need that extravagantly complicated do, which seems to have no natural sprouting area? Is it a form of brilliantly engineered comb-over, with hair, cleverly camouflaged, actually scraped from his armpits or back? Or perhaps it is the most successful implant procedure that has ever been, with hair excavated from a highly reluctant blond badger, or from a seriously pissed off gelada baboon?

The Trumpty-do must depend on the mother of all hair-sprays to keep it wind-proof. What new substance has been developed in some cellar in a Trumpty Tower somewhere, which could, if produced in quantity, make thatched roofs impregnable even to hurricanes? The fact that it is not rain-proof though, is not in doubt. At the slightest hint of rain, Secret Service umbrellas ping open as if by magic. Clearly, the SS agents have umbrellas stuck down their trousers, just in case. In passing, what is so secret about that service when its personnel are highly visible, left, right and centre whenever the POTUS is anywhere? The EXPOTUS?

The leaders of countries which were participants in the First Great War against Germany attended the ceremonies in France in 2018 to commemorate the centenary of the end of the War Which Definitely Did Not End All Wars And Actually Set The Scene For WW2. Trumpty hid in the American Embassy in Paris because the weather forecast threatened wind … and rain!

Of course, it is all very well for me, sitting here uncomfortably in gradually sinking Britain to talk about the hair of the US ex-pres-in-sulking. We have someone trying to be a Prime Minister, variously described in the British press as a hapless twat, or a bewildered and dishevelled halfwit, or, in a nod to my American readers, a johnson, whose hair is utterly out of control — but at least it is unquestionably his own. No-one, not even a halfwit, would deliberately construct something so absurd if they needed a wig. That said, at least Trumpty’s hair is a do. A do done by a platoon of highly-tuned creative minds and civil engineers.

Boris Johnson has cultivated that fright-do all by himself. The sight of scissors or clippers obviously scares him rigid. He will never realise that when he is caught on camera, no-one is paying the slightest attention to what he is trying to say; everyone is fixated on that hair, wondering what it will do or where it will go, next. In Britain, we have a Conservative Prime Minister who has real opposition in this department. Labour leader Keir Starmer has a full head of hair, fully under control.

In the USA, you will soon have a proper president who might be challenged in the hair department, but who wears his lack of hair with equanimity and dignity.

I think I have now completed the list of Things We Will Not Miss About Trumpty. The physical things anyway. The mental things comprise a list that is too long to start on. But I have to mention my favourite: he announced at some point that the US coal industry was now able to produce clean coal, by washing it. It would therefore burn clean.

You could not make this up.